Professional Nothing

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they have to admit something, yes some have to admit more than one thing but that’s of no matter here. The one thing that has haunted me forever is – what are you going to be? The answer took 23 years to arrive but it’s hear and I have to say it to someone.. might as well be a electronic space which hopefully no one actually reads.
I have come to the realization.. no that’s not true, it’s not a new realization/idea/thought/epiphany at all.. it’s one that I noticed long ago.. but refused to acknowledge as true. I am a professional nothing. With capitals actually – Professional Nothing… it looks more respectable that way. And It’ll look even better on business cards (you know how eye catching those big letters at the front of words are). I have none of the skills needed to fall under any profession known to me so far.. and I don’t think things will change soon. So I was forced to do the only logical thing – create a new category. But it’s not even new, I can’t lay claims to it because I knew a few people back in high school who were dedicated to being leaders in this field. So really I’m an ex-poser now. I used to pose as someone with ambitions – it was all a sad sad lie.
The truth is, the truth hurts.. not like a silly numb hurt as when you are knocking a nail into a wall to hang up a picture and haha.. your thumb jumps in front. No, it’s more of a stinging burning ache like when you take corrosive material – e.g. bleach – and pour it over your heart to form a puddle and watch it slowly dissolve your skin. : / Ya it’s every bit as crappy as it sounds I promise you.
Where this all stems from?
A jack of all trades
I heard this saying .. well this name long ago in school. It was given to me by someone or other after demonstrating some fix it abilities I had developed from watching loads of Macgyver and hanging around my father. I was originally thrilled with the name, and even years later adapted the feminine version (created by me, ever so cleverly) ‘Jackress of all trades’. And everything was cheery and bright.
But one day in highschool, maybe grade 10 I heard something that changed my outlook on many things namely; myself, my skills, and my values.
‘A jack of all trades, master of none.’
I was honestly shocked, I never knew that in trying to have a tiny grasp of everything I could find. Obtain a little morsel of every subject people are educated in. Sample different lifestyles and foods, listen and be open to differing opinions to my own. That in doing that, by not adhering myself to one or only a few goals/objects – I had doomed myself. I have sculpted my mind and soul to gather only the bare essence of whatever new things may cross my path. But I lost sight of the fact that you need to focus and be dedicated to achieve a greater knowledge and dive below the surface.
In trying not to be superficial, and to back my thoughts with a faint support of knowledge in a wide range of areas – I have backed myself in to one empty superficial corner. With no real and sincere knowledge at all. Few skills – usable ones anyway. So here I am today: Professional Nothing.
I have basically induced my own A.D.D. such that I lack the motivation to make change and feel I am too old to do so; like an old dog.
There is no profession for those who watch skateboarding videos but cannot skate, people who listen to music but can’t sing, those who admire colours but cannot paint, for a person who truly loves to go to sleep late after a long day of nothing but daydreaming.

If you don’t want to join the ranks, take this as a warning. If you find youself envious of those who wander through life in a hopeless search for nothing – maybe this will help you find the way.

About yolandalenin

I talk a lot. ______________________________________________________________________ I write even more.
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1 Response to Professional Nothing

  1. Big Nic says:

    The opposite side of the spectrum is people who dive so deeply into one focused activity that they experience nothing else – and you know that idea pisses you off more than where you are now. So where’s the problem? No sense thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, when you’ve met people on the other side, who are just as envious of your grass. Everyone’s grass is various shades of green and brown, and they’ve all got varying amounts of dirt and weeds and poop. Anyway, its not like you can make it perfect and just leave it alone. The weeds and poop and dirt come back. Keeping your own grass green is a full time job that’ll take 100% of your time. Why waste even a second comparing your grass to others?Just do the work you set out to do and be clear about one thing – if you feel you’re falling short of expectations, then who’s expectations are they? The universe couldn’t possibly expect more from you than you’re capable of delivering, and by virtue of the fact that its the UNIVERSE, it knows that you’re capable of doing exactly what you are doing. Your ego on the other hand, might have expectations of you based on the accomplishments that it precieves OTHER PEOPLE have made. If you can blink, and your heart beats, then you’ve got Ego, and everyone’s ego is a lying sack of crap – dont trust it for a second.If you know for a fact that you don’t give a damn about most peoples petty accomplishments, then why let your ego push you around and tell you that you need to do the same thing?Imagine you were God – you can see everything, everywhere, every time – what would you ask Yolanda to do then?

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