What am I doing?

   Alright I’ll warn you, this really isn’t interesting.. if anything I’m writing it down for my own good.. so that in the future when I get stupid ideas I can refer to this.

   Hey, This not the first time these thoughts have entered my mind, in fact most things I write on here have been circulating my grey matter for quite a while before I decide to dispose of them on here.

Straight to the point – I think I gots a dum deal dude.. like seriously 

I have first hand experience and I think it’s harder to be a female traveller than male. I believe in equality but the rest of the world doesn’t. That really pisses me off.

My experience… roughly summed up: I fall for a guy – don’t tell him… hahahah stupid me… and hahah when I’m going to.. that same night.. hahah he tells me the ‘problem’ between us – which is something I said the first night we met (so why did he see me for 6 months after if it bothered him that much??!?!?) and breaks up with me. Hahahahah that was great.

   So I thought(being the enterprising young lass I am.. who is all about time managment) hey – I have time for another 5 month fling just, just don’t get attached this time (hahaha like that’s possible for me). Well.. I tried, not too hard cause … flings are below me. But fact is .. I can’t do it.

WHy? I DONT’ KNOW! wish I did sometimes.. it’d make things easier… anyway.. So I made some more friends HAHAHAHHAHAH, Friends/lovers… that’s a thin line between there.. and I usually end up putting them all in the friend pile.. by choice or not.

   Anyway… I’m at the point where heheh……. things aren’t workin.

It’s starting to bother me. I want to do things in my short little life.. and not have babies. Leave that to other people to breed. There’s tons of people in the world – too many. You don’t need me contributing to that. There’s a lot more to that argument.. but no need to devulge it all here.

What do I get? Man after man talking about babies. Terrific – for them. And then if that’s not a big enough problem, hahahahhah when I go abroad.. there’s the fact I’m foreign. Now I never actually thought about foriengers before, what it’s like living away from home in a strange land. Well now I know, it sucks. I mean it could be fun for a while, but that’s what vacations are for – enjoy them while you got them. But when you’re somewhere for a year and.. you’re me, you just can’t help but fall for men – DAMNIT!! GODDAMMNIT WHyyyyyyyy do I love men?? I DON’T KNOWWWWW for f*cksakes! Fuckin hell.

But what happens? OH sorry you’re a laowi, a foreigner, a temporary visitor, unstable, floozy, unreliable, a little scary, intimidating. *sigh* Ya, I am unstable, unpredictable.. and heheh at times .. mayyybe a little scary. But, I can try damnit. I’m not a lost cause.. as I feel sometimes. No one takes chances anymore. Maybe it’s just cause women are really stupid, or maybe the world’s a changing on me.. but hahaha I admire people who are free and I wish I could do it. I try but I’m not there yet, not sure I’ll ever get the hang of it. I am my own worst enemy – it’s so easy I know all my faults. I know what hurts me and I set myself up. I constantly remind myself of all the mistakes I’ve made … again .. and again.. and man am I ever stupid.

 

   Argh. I’m getting away from the point, point is if you are like me at all and you think hey – I want to widen my horizon! I want to know all there is, I want to see it all. Well.. I warn you .. ya it’s fun but, don’t be too much like me and worry about the future. Just live for today if you can. I can’t. I see how things go in cycles and I’m afraid they’ll always go like this.

  In truth my travels have taught me loneliness, stereotypes, ignorance, and to trust people less (but I still do it). Like another friend who’s had similar trials and tribulations – we like ourselves less now than we did before we left. We had this pristine images of improving our body mind and spirit. Now we look back on the year and see it just broke our spirits and and shattered a lot of images previously held on humanity and the world.

I don’t know what I expected.

I don’t know.. anything anymore. It’s true.. ask a teenager – they know everything. But I’m not a teenager anymore and I’m not in school.. I don’t know a damn thing.

      Argh. got called 28 the other day!!!! That wasn’t a compliment.. wow.. I guess I’m getting to the age where other women lie about their age. I won’t lie, but … seems to fly now doesn’t it? hahah I liked being 17, 18, and 19. Even though I swear it’s not as much fun drinking legally as it was before. ugh…. reminds me of Eszter heheh a physic.. first one I ever saw in high school (underaged of course.. actually one the door prize at some event I wasnt even invited to hahah hilarious)… she looked my hands said some things about the lines and looks at me ‘you were born 20 years late’ … this isn’t your generation.. thanks for making a black sheep feel a little blacker. Man, I’m depressing myself.. but argh remember ‘a mind that’s been widened can never go back to it’s old size’. This is great but has a down side. I guess I have widened my mind a bit, but that just makes me harder to please. Getting closer to knowing what I want, haven’t got a clue where to find it.

I’m hungry,     listen to Ska …

 

          why not?

        much love,

             Yolanda

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About yolandalenin

I talk a lot. ______________________________________________________________________ I write even more.
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