Hahaha… oh my goodness, how I enjoy living like a hobo in China.. well a college student anyway.
You’ll never get old surrounded by youth? More like, you’ll never get old surrounded by youth AND stupidity hahahah. love this place. I get my fair share of both.
Ah, today was great. I woke up .. extremely apathetic heheh.. but with the purpose of making some spaghetti for one of my roommates (btw to people not from North America that doesn’t me he lives in my room just the same house). So I did that, … and it sucked. Hahah.. okay this is ‘Hefei spaghetti’ .. please don’t try this at home. Because where ever you live you probably have better ingrediants or at least a FRIDGE to store the ingrediants in (that is key). I have spaghetti.. it’s decent spaghetti but I ruined it with.. 😦 please forgive me all Italian people; Ketchup (hahah yes.. it’s true.. worse = Chinese ketchup! I KNOW it’s wrong I know) and… .. heaven forbid… processed Cheese hahahahhaha. Look screw you, I didn’t have time to go buy some tomatoes at the veg market, these people dont’ even know what Basil is, and.. well I’m too cheap to buy the good cheese BECAUSE. I have no where to store the good cheese…and I believe the ketchup is.. going off. 😦
So we struggled to eat it.. and I hahah finished my plate all in the name of NOT losing anymore weight and explaining to ‘Turkey’ (that’s what we’ll call him for the sake of all the stupid things he’s done today) not lose my boobs. Cause you know they’re always the first thing to go when you lose weight, my pants are baggy I definately don’t want my bras baggy.. or worse hahah the ones I bought in China to actually FIT. LOL.. no offense meant.. just.. I was an A in gr. 9 and I have no plans on going back. And also, I may not be busty in Canada but hahah they DO get my free drinks here.. and we all know how much I abhor spending money LOL. ‘Make the bastards pay!’ I read that somewhere and I still like that quote hahaha.
Right, so then we wallowed around the house for about an hour whining about how he hates his job and how.. I have no meaning in my life (this is typical). And it rained a bit and we decided to go out.
Heheheh I’m such a saint helping him lose weight, let me tell you how. Hahaha I get him to ride his bicycle everywhere and I jump on the back. To provide additional weight of course … it makes for a better workout! I’m only doing it to help Hahahaah heheheheh. I think it’s using a second language that does it but I’m not sure.. anyway, he is very blunt. It kindof brings me down. All morning while watching some dumb talk show he kept reminding me that the woman on tv was much prettier than me, much more beautiful than me, much more sexy than me.. blah blah blah.. luckily – he’s gay. So nothing he says about my sex appeal really means much to me. That douchebag.
Anyway, back to the bike…’wow you’re really heavy!’ Me: ‘oh what and you’re not??Shut up and pedal!’ ‘In Canada are you small?’ me: ‘hmm.. I guess so, I can fit into some large children’s sizes so yea. I’m not large.’ ‘hm.. yes I’ve seen some of your people, they are very big.. Americans and such. It’s scary’ me:’ hehehe yes, I Know and it makes it difficult for people like me to find clothes sometimes. ‘ him: ‘u don’t have that problem in China though’ me: ‘no but it’s insulting to be Lg or even XL sometimes annnnnnd stuff is short, annd for the most part the bras are all padded and have no room for boobs to go in them. That’s pretty silly.’ him: ‘I feel lucky I only have to carry around a small sized Canadian girl, not a Lg sized one’ hahahhahahaahhahhaahaha.. just call me small fry hahah?
After our little outing to China Unicom.. where he bought some cards .. which.. I don’t know how to use and we sat there and I watched him perspire all over himself and the phone… LOL seriously.. I’ve never seen someon sweat sooo much (including me.. and this place kills me) LOL. he had to use my shirt to dry off his glasses since his was soaking wet HAHAH… I’m not so ‘small-sized’ afterall am I!
And we came home, locked his bike to some random place.. just so I have to remind him later where it is hahah otherwise the next time he goes to use it he’ll freak out and think someone stole it (as he has done before LOL) and doesn’t calm down til he finds it while walking down the street somewhere.
Scatterbrain? No, Scatterbrain x 1000 .. omg. You have no idea… but I’ll try to prove this to all the innocent bystanders … this guy.. is so amazingly.. I know. Hahaha I’m amazed by him simply because I didn’t know ANYONE could be more forgetful, lazy, stupid, and .. he’s beyond clumsy – than I. There are times when I am all those things.. but not on a daily basis.. hahahaha. I’m not trying to insult him I just want to share his … endearing qualities .. antics, rather.
"There was an old Shoe…"
Out of boredom we decided to go to Da Shu Shan (not sure about my pinyin there.. but basically sounds like ‘Da Shoe Shan’) it’s a.. kindof a park with a mildlly sadistic twist – it’s all uphill. Hahah.. it’s this hill they call a mountain.. don’t ask. Anyway, we take the bus.. he was sure to buy two magazines before getting on the bus.. and not look at them the whole time but complain about how hot he was.. and criticize men who came on the bus (their body parts and clothing of course). And as we neared the hill I thought, hm.. shouldn’t we be getting off here? ‘shouldn’t we be getting off soon?’ Turkey: .. looking around confused ‘uh.. yea.. yea.. actually right here! STOP!!’
hahahah.. and we made the driver stop cause we missed our stop and I laughed at him as he complained that they should have better signs.. and tell people when they stop at mountains.. etc.
And then we began ‘climbing’ (that is, walking up) the ‘mountain’ (hill) with him asking me about how to become a member at a bar.. and how to get cheap/free drinks, etc. My answer of course – get some nice boobs. LOL Or sleep with the bartender… I’m pretty sure either or both work well. I’m not saying I use either of those methods – with my charm who needs em? LOL Hahahahaha heheheheheh.. but I do digress..
I couldn’t help but burst out laughing everytime I looked at him as we were walking hahah.. we’re walking through a forest area with a lot of moisture (especially after the rain) and.. I had not bugs bothering me.. but hahahhaha… he had a minimum of 4 mosquitoes circling his head at any given time Hahahah.. it was very much like that cartoon character ‘pig pen’ from the Peanuts comics who always had a cloud of dust around him to show the viewers his obvious lack of hygiene. Hahahah.. it was too much, have you ever tried discussing politics or other serious topics with someone who has insects circling their head? LOL it’s Impooooossible to do straight faced.
While we were walking one of my pet peeves came up… argh.. he littered! I detest litterbugs, can’t stand them. There’s no reason for that. He pitched his empty water bottle into the woods – I immediately stopped and bitched at him – GO GET IT!!!!!!!
.. surprisingly he obeyed. Hahahahahahaha but that wasn’t easy, see, the the idiot had skillfullly landed the bottle behind about 10 large spider webs complete with big black and yellow outstretched spiders :S. Niiiiiccccce, so I stood there and waited.. knowing that he would remember this lesson well ESPECIALLY if he’s bit by a spider. And I’m pretty sure they’re not poisonous (95%) so.. I wasn’t worried (I also wasn’t climbing in there). Hehehehehehehe he screamed like a little girl when a leaf brushed his arm from a light breeze. Hahahah.. so I decided to arm him with a stick. He dropped it because he didn’t like the feel of the bark. ARGH you dork, you use the stick to clear the spiderwebs out of your path! Dumbass now GO You’re attracting a regular cloud of mosquitoes around you AND me!
Surprisingly.. or to my disappointment – he didn’t get bit. But hahah he won’t soon forget DON’T LITTER! And he also calls me ‘grandma’ now.. not just because I’m an ‘old woman’ (another blunt comment because I happen to be 1 year older than him..so of course I’m past my prime) but because I bitched at him and punished him as any good grandmother would if they were out walking with a Turkey.
We had a lovely time, well I did.. he mostly complained he’d rather be having sex LOL and telling me faaarrr too much about .. that … um..’alternative’ lifestyle hahahahah (can’t find a nicer way to put it. And of course, criticized men we passed by (body parts and clothing.. mostly body parts).
Other things that make me laugh: When he asks questions to Chinese people in English.. and then turns to me and speaks to me in Chinese LOL.
– His habit of asking questions and NOT listening to the answer.. or just walking away. LOL.. hasn’t anyone ever told you that’s rude? hahaha. For example: he walks up to a fruit stand tells me in English he wants to buy some green grapes, asks the seller how much for the red grapes in Chinese and says ‘no I don’t want’ in English and walks away AT the same time the seller is saying the price.
– while descending the ‘mountain’ (hill) he stops to take a rock out of his shoe, I had a good laugh as he almost fell over solely because of his bad balance (wooooorse than mine!) and stepped in some dirt hahahhahahh thereby collecting More little rocks directly on the bottom of his foot!! Hahahah you dumbass, why don’t you wear socks??
And then we came home after dinner, hahaha.. where I made a mess of myself hahahah.. dropping food on me and then further dripping ice cream on my shirt.. much like a 5 year old does. Hahaha.. and we decided we should do laundry.
My ‘Bitch punishment’
We did laundry and he had a good point on the laundry, I probably Shouldn’t wash my red bra with his white shirts heheheheh. In the mean time, I moped in my bedroom reading an email from my father and wondering what I could say in reply. Turkey came by to ask me some questions all of which I answered with: I don’t care :(. And he made a good point, I was right back where I started this morning. I had a lovely day, enjoyed being out… but fell into a slump at home. And I said some.. meager excuse.. some pathetic reason for my mood.. heheheh and that set him off LOL.
I couldn’t help but laugh.. I cackled as loud as I can at my own stupidity. HAHA.. he gave me a lecture.. lol.. .. how did it begin…. ahhhhhhh
I complained about men (as per usual), something along the lines of.. it’s impossible to find a good one. ‘LISTEN HERE! YOU THINK IT’S HARD TO FIND A MAN? TRY BEING GAY?!!!!! ALRIGHT, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!! TRY BEING GAY IN CHINA, AND THEN LOOK FOR A GOOD ONE! I’VE TRIED…. YOU THINK IT’S HARD BEING GAY IN OTHER COUNTRIES.. .. blah blah …. I CAN’T EVEN GET MARRIED.. IF I WANTED TO, BUT THEN WHO WOULD I MARRY ANYWAY CAUSE NO ONE TAKES RELATIONSHIPS SERIOUSLY IN THE GAY WORLD..blahhhhh… blah blah blah… random gay bitching.. LOL… a brief history of his last 5 torrid affairs and how his first love ended.. and …… lol.. OMG.. I just.. somewhere in one of those ‘blah blah blah’s… I stopped.. and thought back to me back in Perkinsfield, years ago when I was in school, looking out my window wondering what I’d do in the future… … and here I am – In China getting a lecture from a gay about how I should stop bitching and how tough it is being gay! HAHAHAHAHAHA …… it’s so true. I should stop bitching, and no doubt it is tough being gay LOL. Just listening to him made me think ‘wow is this what I sound like? oh my god hahahha..’ HAHAHAHA
To calm him down I agreed to let him dl gay porn on my computer since he has none… UGH, gay porn is SO not sexy. That’s my punishment for being such a bitch… gaaawwwddd
After the laundry finished it’s cycle and we hung up our crap he talked to the people who live in the room connected to the balcony for a bit and triumphantly walked over to my door holding the pitchfork like instrument you use to hang laundry on lines high over your head, saying: ‘I have permission to catch our laundry tomorrow’
him: ‘they will let me catch the laundry tomorrow’
me *picturing our clothing behaving much like birds or butterflies and flying away from us* ‘ you’re going to CATCH the laundry? .. with that stick? I think you should use a net. A big one.’
Hahah.. I think then he realized he used the wrong word and then started guessing at the right one ‘do/have/get laundry’ …
Ahhhhhh China… you’re hilarious and thank you for making me realize all my follies but .. giving me a giant mirror named ‘Turkey’ to show me just how stupid I behave sometimes .. but in a comical way. I’m fully enjoying living with someone as bitchy as me haha.
And please remember to catch your laundry after it’s dry. Hehehe I’d hate to see it run away on you. hehehe like some wild tiger.. haha
oh.. and what are those funny characters up there? If you can see them.. thhhhhhhat is actually the name of a gay porn, feel free to dl it. Although my dear turkey has seen it more than once he feels the need to dl it on my computer