it’s what I do.
And apparently, what I get paid to do. Cause sometimes… my uselessness becomes quite apparent to me. And I wonder.. why am I here? Am I doing more harm than good?
Then my boss asks me a question and I release some comment he didn’t (nor anyone else under the definition of ‘sane’ would) expect. Shortly after whatever I said I rethink it … hrm.. was that too callous? I don’t know *shrug* too late now.
I even speculated openly today, writing him a little msg: “so, you pay me to point out all your faults, right?” I could hear a chuckle from the office next to me and a loud “yes, and might I add MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” Bwahahahahha…
But I guess what really made my offic-ial purpose clear to me was just how well I communicate. Not only with direct superiors but.. any so called.. uh.. superiors (whatever that is). Let me relate this epiphany to you.
[general cursing heard from boss’ office]
Yolanda: You alright, D* ?
Boss: Yea.. well no.. just these fuckin fucker fund .. er.. assholes.
Yolanda: (laughing) what?? (gets up to see what exactly he’s swearing at isn’t an easy fix like.. oh plugging in his mouse)
Boss: This site! It’s shit!
Yolanda: hahahha.. no it’s CI actually.
Boss: You can’t find the damn .. fuckin.. funds that you want. Click products.. and one would think you would see a list of funds.. no.
Yolanda: (also puzzled at this point) .. um.. .. click that thing.. no… ok.. try that one… hrm.. did you click that one?
Boss: (now looking at directory) OH CHRIST! MY guy isn’t even on here!
Yolanda: bwahahah! He’s hiding.. cause the site is shit. hahahha
Boss: WHO DO I MAIL TO SAY LISTEN ASSHOLES, YOUR SITE IS SHIT! ??
Yolanda: .. um. ALL OF THEM! Yes! CC all of them (lol)
Boss: alright, select all and enter message; you guys are assholes!
Yolanda: well, actually, I tend to put that sort of thing in the third line. Try leading in with something friendly like: hi, how are you? Oh by the way – YOU GUYS ARE ASSHOLES AND YOUR SITE IS SHIT. Have a good day, signed D*
Boss: third line, eh?
Yolanda: Yea, you’ll really notice a difference from you previous one sentence emails.
Boss .. continues to swear and get generally angry with our intranet
Yolanda: have you tried google yet?
Boss: NO! I should be able to find it on this fuckin thing!! Piece of shit!
Yolanda: okay, let’s just try one last thing here.. google… enter the fund you want.. vendor.. and…
Boss: Shit. It’s there.
Yolanda: Google didn’t get to where it is today by accident. Anything else sir?
Boss: (names another fund)
Yolanda: Google sir.. Google.
Other things I do; recommend selling stocks that are doing well (to my boss only.. not clients), file things incorrectly (though I usually know it and leave an note for the regular person haha), and creatively guessing the reason(s) for client’s withdrawing funds.
Boss: why would he dereg 8,000 dollars??
Yolanda: redo the bathroom … build a garage.. oh I know! Fruit trees, he wants to buy some fruit trees for his yard. I’d buy fruit trees if I owned property and had 8,000 dollars.. just think of it. Your own pear tree, apple, peach.. well maybe not peaches around here.. I guess I’d move south first then buy the peach tree … um.. maple. .nah.. scrap the maple, takes too long to get to tapping/syrup point.
Boss: What are you talking about?