what is it you want from me?

This is dedicated to the people who probably won’t read it.

Ever get that feeling that ‘keeping up with the jones’ feeling.. yet, you weren’t actually trying to keep up with anybody? You were just bumbling along, collecting sap from trees and boiling it in a kettle to make syrup. Or buying a car that you really shouldn’t own because you value it more than your life.. and this causes you much stress, trying to take care of it as it deserves – and it really does. But you are really proud to have such a privilege for the time being (I know it won’t last, I don’t get to keep nice things or the things I love ha! But I am learning to just enjoy the time you have with them.. however fleeting).

Or maybe you were secretly dancing in your under the surface dwelling, away from any other eyes that would see just how uncoordinated you are.. and you reeeeaaally are. holy crap.. who’s the boss you or your left foot?

Anyway, whenever this ‘feeling’ comes over me it’s a safe bet it was brought on by some external force…perhaps, people asking me too many questions (that maybe I don’t know the answer too)(and I HAVE admitted that..please note for future reference Yolanda doesn’t like NOT having answers to questions so you can further conclude she doesn’t like ADMITTING she has no answer.. ffs) and when you press me to answer again I begin to question your motive. (not to mention the obvious: who are YOU to be asking ME questions that YOU YOURSELF cannot fuckin answer. *exasperated growl*)

Perhaps you think that by asking you will cause some epiphany moment where I suddenly have a magical answer.. or maybe you’re just doing it to make me feel stupid? Either way, I don’t need it.

I am Yolanda and my life path meanders – so what ??? Who’s doesn’t? That is ‘who’ of the interesting variety.

You’re life sucks.

Mine does too.. sometimes, but then sometimes I really like it. And I find contentment – yes even in the basement I can find happiness. But it never fails that some asshole will come by and say that I could do more… or I should do more.. or wouldn’t I prefer if..  ? If what? If YOU were in control of my life?

No, I don’t think I’d like it better if YOU scheduled my life and steered my every whim. So fuck off.

I don’t even know why this is necessary to say, if you are in fact my ‘friend’ … seriously questioning the interpretation of that word lately..

Maybe I need to rewrite a clearer and conciser definition of ‘friend’ and slash the tires of anyone outside of that parameter. Well maybe not slash the tires.. but just.. exclude them (the person, the tires can stay).

Like, if I were to have a dinner party – they are definitely NOT getting a chair. Maybe some rice, cause I’m generous like that.. but that’s it..oh.. maybe some cold scraps afterwards.. you know if we had like a buffet style. Cause then I wouldn’t have to package all the scraps and wash the dishes. Ohh I know what you’re thinking – ‘Yolanda would probably make her non-friend-friends wash the dishes’. Well I’ll tell you you’re wrong! I wouldn’t trust my non friends with my dishes. I really like my dishes. Well.. not my current dishes.. they’re just so-so. But I’ve been dreaming of buying new ones.. for some imaginary house. Oh fuck it, I think I’m going to buy them in my dream next time.. and then maybe I can end that part of the dream and continue to check out and then walk home to my conveniently located dream house.. so I can finally see where I live in my subconscious.  … in fact.. that sounds like a very good ‘now’ idea.

So excuse me all those people who are unhappy with the current state and so wish to live vicariously through Yolanda: a person they don’t really talk to or care about as a sentient being, but totally enjoy talking about her and her past ‘adventures’.

FYI: I didn’t do it for you.

Really, if you are in my life for an extended period of time perhaps there’s a reason. If there is no reason – why are you still here?

Who out there can really say I’ve changed??? Anyone? NO you fuckin can’t because I’ve always been me. I have many different sides, they are revealed at different times but every aspect of me is mine and it has always  been that way. If you don’t like it you know where the door is *because I’m pointing at it*. Don’t ever think I will change for you. Don’t even dream about it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BECAUSE I TOLD IT TO!!

Why is the sky blue?

BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Do you have any regrets?

Yes, of course. Who doesn’t? But I wouldn’t change any of it. I wouldn’t know where to start ha! So, it’s perfect just the way it is. If you don’t think so.. again, you know your way out.

Wanted: positive people who won’t bring me down. Thank you.

Where are my Yesmen? Oh yes, they’re in another country.. typical.

… and I miss them.

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About yolandalenin

I talk a lot. ______________________________________________________________________ I write even more.
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